"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17
I don’t remember a time when I didn’t believe in God. I am grateful to have grown up in a home that was a foretaste of heaven. The kind of home that is safe and filled with love. The kind of home that made me think it reasonable to believe there was a good Father in heaven who gives good gifts. I could see His love and experienced His good gifts in a tangible way at home through my family. My mom taught me about Jesus and showed me who He was by the way she cared for me. She was present and comforting, tucking me in to bed each night, telling me stories, and always being available. Yes, it was natural to believe in a good God who gives good gifts.
I am the youngest of 6 in my family and having my 5 siblings has always been one of my favorite of God’s good gifts. I have always deeply cared for my siblings and most of my childhood journals are filled with prayers for each of them. My oldest sister, Marla was 15 when I was born and started dating her now-husband, Nate when I was just 1. I really don’t know life without them together. When I was 10, I opened up a really good gift from them, which actually just represented another really good gift from my good God. I opened a blush pink shirt that had white letters ironed on spelling out in all caps, “AUNT LAURA.” When I opened it, I screamed. Loudly. I was so unbelievably excited. I have always been a baby person but as the youngest, I never got to have a little sibling. I was left only to care for my baby dolls, which I had many of and cared for quite well I must say. But this was a BIG deal to me. A new title: “Aunt Laura”. I just loved the sound of it and was so proud. After all, none of my friends were Aunts so I felt especially honored. When I found out they were having a baby girl, all my dreams really came alive. In my mind, I basically was going to be this girl’s second mom and change all the diapers and hold her all the time and pick out all her outfits. This was going to be so much better than a baby doll. My excitement overflowed.
My niece, Halley Raye was born via c-section Jan 27, 2004 and immediately taken to NICU because of difficulty breathing. My 10 year old brain had limited understanding to any of the details going on, but all I knew was that she was sick and that we needed to pray for her. My parents had many family meetings with us where we spent time praying and reading Scriptures that gave hope and comfort. I knew Halley was sick and I knew God was going to heal her. I had no doubt. My faith in my good God who gives good gifts assured me that Halley would be okay. I put all my trust in that.
We got to go see Halley in the NICU. She was hooked up to a breathing machine and had a feeding tube going up her nose, but I got to hold her. I proudly wore my “AUNT LAURA” shirt and held that baby girl’s warm body against it, taking in every detail about her. She had the most distinct smell, that fresh baby girl scent. I prayed over her in my arms. I teared up holding her, realizing that in just the short time since she’d been born, she had been through more pain and medical care than I had my whole ten years. I loved holding her. I loved being her Aunt Laura. And I just knew God was going to heal her body.
Halley died at 55 days old. I was devastated and everything I had believed about God was shattered. Wasn’t He good? How could He not heal her? He could have, but didn’t- how can He be good? My ten year old faith was suddenly put to the test in a way I couldn’t have imagined. God’s goodness seemed but a hopeful disappointment and I could not quite reconcile His so called goodness with what just happened. Going to the funeral and knowing her lifeless tiny body lay in the casket. Caskets that size shouldn't exist. Watching them lower it into the ground. My niece. I had no prior category for these feelings or this pain.
I cannot emphasize enough how much the faith of my sister and my parents influenced my own faith in this season. To see my sister and brother in law bury their dead baby girl beneath the ground, and yet proclaim God’s goodness had such a profound impact on my watching heart. To observe my parents weep at the loss of their first grand baby, but cling to the truths of God’s Word in a way that made it seem alive and comforting and real profoundly shaped my faith. While I wrestled personally with God and His sovereignty over Halley’s death, I was led through it by the faith and strength of those I looked up to most. I saw God’s goodness and I felt His closeness, despite the horror of death and in the midst of the pain. It was then that I began to learn that God’s goodness was on display not in the causing of pain, but in enduring the pain with us.
Halley would have been 18 years old this week. My faith has forever been marked by her life. She has shaped my resolve in His goodness and trustworthiness, not because of the external good gifts in a circumstantial sense, but because of the good gift of His presence in any and every circumstance. I yearn for heaven a little more because of her being there and am excited for the day I will see her fully healed. God did answer my faith-filled prayers to heal her, not in the way I expected, but in a much more significant, lasting way. He truly is a good God who gives good gifts, and being Halley’s “Aunt Laura” for 55 days was just that. Happy Birthday, Halley Girl.
"Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him." Job 13:15
Making it Matter,
Laura Jones
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